


The lost best friend

by pamymex3girl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-13
Updated: 2012-04-13
Packaged: 2017-11-03 13:58:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pamymex3girl/pseuds/pamymex3girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jesse had always been the lucky one, the one who could fall out of trees or jump of buildings and come of unscratched. It seemed unfair to Xander that the moment it mattered the most, his luck ran out. Xander's struggle to accept the dead of his friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The lost best friend

**Author's Note:**

> After re watching the first two seasons of Buffy, I came to the conclusion that Jesse was never actually mentioned again. I found this odd seeing as he was Xander and Willow's best friend. I don't really know why this was, maybe because it was to hard for them to talk about or something. After searching for a while I couldn't actually find any stories about Jesse either, so I decided to write one. I'm sure there is a story about him out there somewhere, I just didn't find it. This story also came from the realization that in season 7 The First never actually talked to Xander (not that I can remember anyway, maybe I missed it) and I never truly understood why. Robin said to Faith at some point that when the First talked to you it meant you were an important player in the war, and seeing as he was Xander and Buffy's best friend I always figured that the First should have talked to him.
> 
> Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

' _We're buds, don't you remember me?'_

' _You're like a shadow to me now.'_

* * *

He doesn't have a single childhood memory that doesn't include Jesse in some way.

They were always together, never apart; where one went the other went to. Jesse was not his _first_ best friend, Willow had that honor; but he was a first _male_ best friend. Actually his _only_ male friend. He loves Willow (and will someday in the future love Buffy as well) he really does, but there was just something different about having a guy as best friend. He and Jesse did things together, things he would never even consider asking the girls to do. Somehow it seems strange that they became such good friends; when they first met they _hated_ each other. He had hated anyone that made Willow cry, and Jesse, well he's not quite sure why he didn't like them. He never bothered asking (there are a lot of things he had never bothered to ask), now he would never be able to.

Still somehow they became the best of friends, closer than brothers.

Jesse had been the only one to ever _know_ how bad the situation at home was. Other people guessed, others assumed things (people like Willow), others saw the signs but never bothered asking (Cordelia). But only Jesse truly _knew._ Though they never truly spoke of it, he still _knew,_ and somehow that made it better. One summer they became blood brothers as well, not that it would truly make a difference now. After it's all over Xander buries his head in his hands, he makes an attempt to stop feeling all the pain (of course this is a failed attempt even before he makes it). He tries not to think of two little boy's playing silly games and dreaming of achieving (almost) impossible things. He tries not to think of birthday parties, Halloween dress-ups and jumping of roofs.

He doesn't have one single childhood memory that doesn't include Jesse in some way.

It's completely _wrong_ that now he has his entire future in front of him, and there won't be a single moment that includes Jesse.

Because in the end, Death is final. Unchangeable.

* * *

Buffy never actually _met_ Jesse.

It seems strange and wrong somehow that his _new_ best friend didn't get to meet his _old_ best friend (his dead best friend). It seems to him sometimes as if his life has been split into two different parts, before and after Jesse died. And no matter how hard he tries he can't quite figure out which part of his life was better, which world he'd prefer to live in. He doesn't want to talk about it, he's afraid of what Buffy or Willow will say and besides he _simply doesn't know how to ask._ He sits there the night his best friend dies and he wonders if the world will become a better place, he wonders if it will become worse.

Two of his best friends in the whole world, and they never really got to meet.

In reality they did meet (just once), he knows they did (after all he was there), but it doesn't really matter. Because they never actually _met_ , they don't know anything about each other (they never will). Buffy saw Jesse long enough to _realize_ that he was a nice guy (one of the good ones), but that was it. She would never hear any of Jesse stories, she'd never be part of their adventures, she'd never know what he was afraid of. She would never know the simply things about him; what was worse perhaps was the knowledge that she (probably) would never care to find out. Because the next time she saw him, Jesse was dead (gone forever, forgotten in time) and it didn't really matter anymore.

It's like he's lived in two different worlds; two worlds that never got to meet.

* * *

It's not just his dead, it's the last words that haunt him the most, it's the last moments.

He wishes he could forget those moments, pretend they never happened; pretend those words weren't said, pretend it wasn't Jesse that said them. But he really can't, because it did happen. All he hears is Jesse taunting him, all he sees is the cold look in his eyes; all he hears is _'Put me out of my misery. You don't have the guts.'_ And _'You're a shadow to me now.'_ He wishes he could change the words, morph them into something that doesn't quite hurt so much. Change them into something meaningful, the last words that should be said between two best friends that would never get to meet again. He doesn't want to think about what came after, doesn't want to remember that _he_ killed _Jesse._ It doesn't matter how many times the other's tell him it wasn't Jesse anymore, it doesn't matter. It looked like Jesse (somehow it still was Jesse), and he killed him.

He wishes he could have said something meaningful to him.

Not just in those last seconds before he turned into dust, but before that. Before the ending, before they _knew,_ before all Hell broke loose. He wishes he could go back to those last moments, when he and Jesse were leaving school and Jesse said _'See you tomorrow buddy.'_ Xander had simply waved at him, because he had other things on his mind (like Buffy for example) and he didn't really _care_ what Jesse said to him. After all it's not like it was goodbye forever, he'd see him tomorrow. Now he cares, now that it's to late he cares. And he wishes he had said something, anything really; something meaningful, something worth remembering.

He never even said goodbye.

* * *

He's getting good at pretending; pretending it doesn't hurt, pretending he forgot.

He doesn't know if he actually managed to fool anyone, but at the very least nobody tries to talk to him about it. He doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to put into words what he feels; doesn't want to be _forgiven._ Willow only talked about Jesse once, but it was different (despite the fact she somehow understood), but he never actually wanted to talk to her about. Because she hadn't staked him, she hadn't been the one who erased him completely. Buffy doesn't try to talk to him about it; a part of him is grateful, another part wants to ask how she felt the first time she staked a vampire. He never does.

Still memories of Jesse creep up in the weirdest moments.

There was one Halloween where they had decided to dress up as superhero's. Jesse had been Spider man, he had always preferred Superman (this had been the cause of many heated arguments, now he would give anything to go back and tell Jesse that he was right). Willow had dressed as a fairy that year, it didn't quite match their costumes but that was okay because she was Willow. Still they'd gone around the neighborhood and by the end of the night they had somehow gotten it into their heads to try and fly. So they climb onto the roof (all three of them because they did almost everything together) and they'd held each others hands and jumped.

Willow had broken her arm, Xander had broken his leg. Jesse (as always) had gotten of without a scratch.

Because Jesse was always the lucky one.

* * *

He'll never tell anyone but it feels almost right when he sees Buffy lying there.

The good part of him (the part that loves Buffy) knows he can't lose her, knows that she is his best friend and he needs to save her. But he doesn't move, just stands there, watching as Angel sinks on his needs beside her, cradling her still form in his arms. It's not about him, it's not about them; or maybe it is, he's not quite sure. But there is some other part inside of him telling him to leave. Telling him that if Buffy had never come than Jesse wouldn't be dead (he knows this is crazy, they lived on top of the helmouth after all), but he can't change what he feels. He'll never tell anyone, but for a second it seemed like this was the way it was supposed to be.

Jesse was dead and now Buffy (the reason he's dead) is also dead, it's logical somehow.

But Angel is begging and Buffy is his best friend (like Jesse was someday) and he _has to save her._ He feels like an eternity passes before she breaths again, but eventually she breaths again and he's glad. As he watches Buffy sit up slowly he wonders what would have happened if they had been able to save Jesse. If there had been something, anything really, they could have done to help him. Would his live be better now? Would it be worse? Would he be sitting here beside Buffy feeling guilty because for a couple of seconds he wanted to leave her dead? He wishes he could have somehow blown the live back into Jesse as well, but apparently he only gets to save one of his friends. He watches as Buffy faces her demons, and he stays behind (wondering if he'll ever be able to face his. He feels wronged and cheated, because why couldn't they save Jesse? Why was Buffy so much more important than Jesse?

It's not until he sees Buffy and Willow together that he feels he did the right thing by saving her.

He realizes that Buffy is the first _female_ best friend that Willow has ever had, and that's different somehow.

Still he wishes he could have saved Jesse.

* * *

The pain begins to fade over time, the guilt only grows stronger.

He doesn't think any of it will ever disappear and he doesn't really want it to either. At the very least the pain is starting to fade away, so now he can remember Jesse without feeling it all. He wonders if it was this bad for Willow, he hopes it never was. Somehow he can actually move on, try the things they always said they would try; he would do it all for Jesse. When he first meets Ampata he thinks now he finally can get a girlfriend, but somehow he still feels slightly guilty because he can get a girl and Jesse never will again. The feeling fades away as he looks her in the eyes, he's surprised how fast he can forget about him.

He swears somebody up there hates him, he wouldn't be surprise if it's Jesse.

Because his live is beginning to get ridiculous, nobody has this much bad luck (and yet he was always the unlucky one). First there's the teacher that turns out to be a gigantic bug and wants to eat him. Than he was possessed by a Hyena and actually ate a pig (though thankfully he didn't eat the principal). Now he finally falls for a girl, a girl who actually seems to like him back; and it turns out she's an ancient mummy who sucks the live out of people. He probably should have seen it coming from the moment she liked him back, but really who could have seen this one coming?

He swears when he finds out the truth, he hears Jesse laugh at him in the background.

* * *

He hates vampires, more than he hates any other creature from hell.

He hates them for what they are, for what they did. They took away his best friend, the best friend he'll probably ever have. One of them almost took away (his) Buffy, he hates them all. Maybe that's why he can't seem to trust Angel, no matter how hard he tries (admittedly he doesn't actually try that hard). He supposes it's possible that he can be good (after all he does have a soul), but he simply can't accept any vampire as good. Because a creature that can take his best friend away simply can't be trusted (even if technically seen it wasn't the vampire in front of him that did it).

It's about a year later that he thinks Buffy might understand.

It's right after her friend dies and she has to stake him. Xander guesses now they are sort of even, they've both done the same thing. Still he doesn't say anything to her, he simply sits beside her in the library. He can see the pain in her eyes, the same that will forever shine in his eyes. He doesn't want to talk about it and he knows she doesn't either, so here they sit next to each other. Buffy leans against his shoulder and he knows that this will be the closest they'll ever be. _'She's dead.' 'Who?' 'Darla. The one who killed Jesse. She's dust, Angel staked her.'_

That's the first time he actually likes Angel, the first time he trusts him.

He never tells him.

* * *

Cordelia is the worst and the best thing that ever happened to him.

It's the best because she's beautiful and popular (and most importantly not some kind of creature that wants to kill him). And for some bizarre reason she seems to like him, which he really can't explain to anyone, but she does. Yet at the same time it's the worst thing that ever happened to him because it's _Cordelia Chase._ The one girl Jesse had ever liked, the one girl he kept constantly asking out. For years he had liked her, chased her and asked her out; he had never really gotten close. Until of course he died and became a vampire and Cordelia suddenly liked him.

The first time he kisses her all he truly feels is guilt.

If Jesse were by his side he'd probably kick his ass, then again at the same time if Jesse were here none of it would be happening. Because he would never dream of hitting on the girl his best friend likes, but now he's dead so _what does any of it really matter?_ He runs from her because a part of him considers her to belong to Jesse, but eventually he does go back to her because she's _Cordelia Chase._ He tells himself that Jesse would have wanted to see them happy, he tells himself that Jesse would have wanted this for him.

Still he wishes that just for once he could talk to him.

* * *

Sometimes he wonders about _the funeral._

It sounds morbid and just a little crazy, but he's got this idea that you have to be a little (perhaps even a lot) crazy to survive on the helmouth, so he's not that worried. Still he's aware of how it sounds, which is probably why he never says it out loud. He lies in bed wondering how it would have been like (how he would feel now) if there had been a funeral. If they had buried Jesse, if there had been a body, if there had been closure. He thinks that that might have been better, he thinks he might be able to handle it better, if there had been a funeral.

But there wasn't one; because there wasn't a body. Because _he_ staked _him._

He thinks everyone would have shown up, even the ones who never cared. He wonders if he would have liked that, or preferred that only his true friends showed up. He wonders about all of that, but it will never matter. There was no body, there was no funeral; there is no grave. He thinks he'd have closure if there would have been, that he'd actually be able to move on. He can't move on (can't accept it, can't forgive himself), which is why he lies in bed at night thinking about funerals.

Maybe it's not that you have to be crazy to live on the Helmouth, maybe it's that the Helmouth makes you crazy.

* * *

They build a tree house once, a long time ago.

They had gotten the idea from a book, though now he can't actually remember _which_ book (not that it matters). They'd spend hours in his backyard building that damn tree house, Willow had come by a couple of times but she hadn't actually been interested. But then again she _was a girl,_ he thinks he'll probably get hit by both Buffy and Willow (not by Cordelia though) if he ever points this logic out. Still they'd spend hours out there, and even Jesse's dad had come out a couple of times to help them, and eventually they had a tree house.

Luck would have it that the second it is finished it starts to rain.

Still after that they spend hours in that tree house, just the three of them. Willow usually set in the corner reading a book or making her homework. He and Jesse were usually talking about ridiculously useless things or playing extremely stupid games. One day there had been a huge storm and the tree house had suffered some damage, still they had gone up there like any other day. A part of the tree house had broken and they had fallen, at least he and Willow had, Jesse had the pleasure of watching his best friends fall to the ground.

It was logical, because Jesse had always been the lucky one.

* * *

Jesse had always been the lucky one.

He was the kind of kid who could fall out of trees, or jump of building and come of unscratched. He was the one who played pranks on the teachers, but never got caught. He only got caught when Xander was there, because he always got caught. Jesse was the kid with the great family, he had good grades in school and he never had any accidents. As opposed to Xander who was always the unlucky one, always the one falling down.

Xander thinks it's wrong and unfair that the precise moment it matter the most, Jesse's luck ran out.

* * *

' _You can't just bury stuff Buffy, it'll come right back up to get you.'_

He screams at Buffy because she left them all behind, because she didn't talk to them about what happened. He feels like a hypocrite, and he wonders why nobody calls him out on it. He's never talked about Jesse, never talked about what he felt when he saw Buffy lying there. He of all people should sort of understand what Buffy went trough (though not completely), because he had killed Jesse (just like she had killed Angel). But he does scream at her, screams at her for everything she put them trough (never pausing to think about what he says).

He doesn't tell her why he was so angry, doesn't tell her why it mattered.

He doesn't tell her he's angry because she did what he's been wanting to do for years now. Simply pack up his stuff and run away, run away from what he'd done, run away from what he feels. Hoping that the further he ran away, the further the memory of Jesse would be. But as he watches Buffy almost break down at the party, he knows they were both wrong. Because there are some things you simply can't run away from, some things that can't be changed. No matter how far they would run their demons would follow them forever.

' _You can't just bury stuff',_ he says. Maybe he should follow his own advice.

* * *

He hates his senior year, but he's not entirely sure why.

He hates it because it's all coming to an end, the world he knows is slowly drifting away. Everyone he knows is thinking about moving away and going to college, he is going nowhere. He hates it because he watches as everyone gets to live their happy lives, as he gets to live his happy live; and he _knows_ that Jesse never even got a chance. It's wrong and twisted and he resents them all for it, but then he hates himself for resenting them. He can't really help it, it's how he feels; and like always he pushes it away, tries to forget it ever happened.

He wonders if somewhere Jesse is looking down at them, he wonders if that really matters.

He tries not to think of the time when two young teenage boys couldn't wait to reach their senior year, thinking of graduation and college. There was once a moment when Jesse looked at him and vowed that when it was time for their prom, they would make sure that it was one that nobody would ever be able to forget. He tries not to think of any of that as he stands at the prom along with a thousand-year-old demon and he's all alone because _Jesse isn't there._ He plasters a smile on his face, he's become an expert at this; he's been hiding his pain for years now, it's not like it really matters anymore at this point.

It would be an unforgettable prom for him, because his best friend never made it this far.

Somehow he's sure that was not what Jesse meant.

* * *

He thought he wouldn't make it trough graduation, thought he wouldn't live.

He was pretty sure that if one of them was to die at the hands of the mayor it would be him, because that's just the kind of thing that would happen to him. He was after all always the one with the bad luck, yet it seems like he's had a lot of good luck lately (and he's not sure why he's suddenly having so much good luck), because he's still alive. The worst feeling he has about graduation is perhaps not that he's _afraid_ he will die but that he almost _wants to die._

Because he's not entirely sure if he hates the idea of dying.

He doesn't tell anyone, not that he truly tells them anything (a fact they don't seem to notice). He doesn't tell them because it sounds completely wrong, completely suicidal. It's not like he really wants to die, he wouldn't mind living (he'd love to stay here longer) but he wouldn't mind dying either. After all if he were to die he'd see his best friend again, though he has this idea that if Jesse were here and had any idea what he was thinking he'd kick his ass. Of course he lives, he didn't expect to, but he does it. Suddenly he's got his entire life in front of him and he has no idea what to with it.

Oz says they should take a minute because they _actually survived._

* * *

He gets into his car and drives away, telling Willow he won't return until he's driven to all 50 states.

As he drives out of town he realizes that he didn't tell her the truth, he didn't tell her that he's not sure if he'll _ever_ come back. He just wants to drive away from Sunnydale, hoping that this way he'll be able to leave it all behind. He ignores the small voice in the back of his mind that reminds him of the time he screamed at Buffy for running away, for doing what he never had the courage to. But he does it differently, he says goodbye to all of them. Still he drives away, thinking he'll probably never return.

Hoping that he'll be able to leave his pain and guilt behind.

He knows it's a bad idea, him alone in a car for hours. He knows that somehow it will all go wrong, and he knows even as he thinks of not returning that he'll be back by the time college starts. Because he can't leave his friends behind, he can't bear to lose another friend. Still he drives away, for a while forgetting abut it all, or at least telling himself he doesn't remember it. Eventually he turns his car around and drives all the way back home, thinking of a story to tell his friends.

He returns because he realized that he can't outrun his ghosts and demons.

Because the thing about the feelings he has, they go with him no matter where he goes.

* * *

He sits alone in his basement, wondering why he came back at all.

It's like he doesn't even matter anymore, like he was never actually there. They all move on with their lives, go to college and meet new more interesting people. And he sits in his basement, thinking that he should have just kept driving. He should have driven away, far away; until he reached a place where he would never run into someone he once knew. A place where he could actually forget, instead he turned around and went back to the one place that always reminds him of what he had lost (of what he had done). He went back because he needed them and he thought they needed him to, he thought he mattered.

It's the first time he actually says out loud what he feels (or at least part of it).

He knew better than to listen to Spike, of course he knew better because he was _Spike._ But despite that he knew he was right, they had been growing apart for a year now (he didn't matter, maybe he never did). His resentment, his guilt, his pain, his anger; that had been growing for even longer. He finally screams out loud what he feels, at least about the abandonment; but they forget, they always forget. Later when they are finally together again they realize it was all Spike and they forgive each other and they forget.

Xander wishes they would remember his pain, he wishes they would ask.

He also wishes they never will.

* * *

The realization that he doesn't have any _male_ friends comes very suddenly.

In high school there was of course always Oz, but despite the fact that he's a cool guy; they never really became that good of friends. They were to different for that, and it didn't really matter anyway. Then of course there was Riley, but he and Riley were even more different. And then there was of course the fact that he and Riley never really talked, except for that one time when Riley told him that he knew Buffy didn't love him. Xander misses him, because with him gone he's again surrounded by girls, but they weren't really that great of friends.

It's sad when you realize that Giles is the only other male in the group.

Giles and Spike, but he's never quite sure if Spike actually counts. Not that he's complaining, he wouldn't give up his best friends (nor Tara or Anya) up for anything in the world. But he misses a guy he could just hang out with, a guy he could laugh with, just do guy stuff with. In all actuality he misses Jesse (he'll always miss Jesse), but it never becomes quite as clear as in their first year of college or after Riley leaves.

He suddenly feels all alone, and he sometimes even wonders what the hell he is doing here.

* * *

When Joyce dies he's not even quite sure how to react, at least not anymore.

He can't explain it to Anya, she asks questions and he thinks he should have the answers; but he doesn't have them. He's never understood, he'll never understand. He doesn't think they're really meant to, doesn't think anyone really understands. He doesn't really think it matters anyway, understanding won't make it hurt any less. Willow doesn't seem to know what to do either, so he supposes it's not just him.

' _But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens….and no one will explain to me why.'_

He wants to answer her, tell her he doesn't understand either. He wants to scream at her that he's been waiting for someone to explain things to him since his best friend (who she doesn't even know exist) died. He takes all of the anger he's been feeling out on the wall, which actually does make him feel a bit better, though not by much.

Xander keeps inside all he is feeling, because it's Joyce that's dead, it's Buffy and Dawn that need them.

Though none of them were there when he needed them.

* * *

A part of him knew Buffy wouldn't make it trough the night.

He can't really explain it, but he felt it. So when he sees Buffy jumping of the tower he's not surprised, he's hurt and angry, but not surprised. She was the slayer and she was bound to die at some point, they had simply elected not to think of this. Xander would have carried her body out of there (he thought he owned her that much since he couldn't save her now) but he had to carry Anya, so it was Giles who carried her out.

He wonders where Buffy is now, he hopes she is somewhere good.

He hopes that Buffy and Jesse (and all others they have lost) are together now, that they are happy. He hopes that Buffy finally got to meet Jesse, he hopes they know each other. Buffy got a funeral, a place for them to mourn her; a closure. He realize (finally after so many years) that it doesn't help at all, or maybe it does but just a little. It's still hurts just as much, they all still feel just as guilty.

Xander wonders if they'll ever get used to it, if those feelings will ever get less powerful.

* * *

He doesn't want to raise Buffy from the dead.

He doesn't want to do it because he thinks that wherever she is she is probably fine, that she is with Jesse. After all if there was one person on earth that deserved to go to heaven it was Buffy. But when Willow tells them she is in hell, he changes his mind. Because if one person shouldn't be in hell it's Buffy. When they sit around in a circle around her grave, raising her from the dead: Xander thinks about the fact that this is the second time he'll bring Buffy back from the dead.

He didn't think about taking her out of her grave, maybe this was because he didn't think it would work.

When he finds out that Buffy was in fact in heaven, he hates himself for never telling the others what he thought. Now however it's to late, none of it can be changed. Still a part of him wants to go up to her and ask her if she met Jesse, ask her if she knows he's alright. He never does ask her, because he doesn't want to remind her of what she has lost. That's what he tells himself at least, he's to afraid of the answer. He's afraid she'll tell him that Jesse wasn't there or that he hates him.

They never talk about where Buffy was, not talking about things seems to be his specialty.

* * *

When Willow turns to evil, he feels sick.

The idea of both his original best friends (his childhood best friends), turning evil is almost to much for him to bear. He hates the idea, but he knows it's not exactly the same. Jesse hadn't been himself anymore seeing as he was a vampire, if Xander understands it right Jesse had died the moment he had been bitten (going to heaven or wherever else he belonged), Willow was still human. That makes him more ill, the idea of sweet innocent Willow who couldn't even hurt a fly, kill another human being.

For the first time he actually manages to save the world.

He's not exactly sure where the words came from, but he does know why he said them. He had to save Willow, because he couldn't save Jesse. In a way this made him feel a hell of a lot better. Jesse couldn't be saved, he had brought Buffy back from the dead twice and now he had to stop Willow from saving the world. Xander tells her the story of the yellow crayon (even though the original story that comes in his head includes Jesse, but he doesn't want to say that out loud. He's never actually talked about Jesse since he died, he thinks that somehow that is wrong).

He's never seen Willow cry this much, it almost makes him cry as well.

* * *

He doesn't tell the others but he actually did talk to the First.

It had come to him in the form of Jesse, which for a second made him think he had finally lost it. Jesse was still wearing the clothes he was wearing the last time Xander saw him, but he wasn't him. He acted differently, which almost immediately proved to him that it wasn't his best friend. Still Xander pretended that it was in fact his best friend, because he wanted to believe it was him. He wanted to believe that Jesse was there, that for once he would be able to talk to him again.

(fake)Jesse was harsh and unforgiving.

Finally saying out loud everything Xander had been thinking and feeling for years now. The guilt for having killed him (even if he was a vampire), the guilt for having lost track of him. The pain of losing his best friend. (Fake)Jesse had laughed at him and taunted him, and it had hurt Xander more than he could ever admit. That may be why he didn't tell the others, that and the fact that if he did he'd have to tell them everything else.

He can't forget what he saw, can't help but pull away from his friends.

* * *

Trough it all Jesse had always been the lucky one.

He was the one who could fall out of trees and jump of buildings and come of unscratched. He was the one who could play pranks but never be caught. Xander was the unlucky one, the one who fell out of trees and ended up in the hospital, the boy who jumped of buildings and broke his leg.

Jesse, the lucky kid, ran out of luck when he met vampires for the first time. Xander's luck seemed to begin the second Jesse's ran out. It was strange and unfair somehow, but that's how it was.

It seemed logical that just like with Jesse, his luck was bound to run out at some point.

Jesse lost his life, Xander lost an eye.

* * *

They stand together watching the hole that once was Sunnydale.

He feels bother relief and a pang of guilt. The relief seems to be form the idea of being able to move away from Sunnydale, the guilt from the fact that he destroyed the only place that Jesse ever lived. For a second he thinks of all the ones they have lost, all the graves in Sunnydale that are now lost forever. Places that can never be visited. Things left in that town are lost forever, and he hopes none of them forget something important.

Buffy had told them only to pack the essential things.

He had taken (among other things) a Sunnydale High year book. Not the one from their Senior year, but from before that. The one containing a couple of pictures of him and Jesse. He doesn't feel guilty about it, he's pretty sure Willow has something of Tara and Dawn has something of her mom. For the first time in years Xander feels a little better, a little less guilty, the further they drive away from Sunnydale.

Maybe time in the end does heal all wounds.

* * *

' _We're buds, don't you remember me?'_

' _You're like a shadow to me now.'_

* * *

It happens later that night, as they drive further and further away.

He falls asleep leaning against the window. He remembers thinking that Buffy was crazy when she said she had a dream about Faith, which wasn't really a dream but a shared moment. A real moment in time, needed for them to have closure. Xander finds himself sitting in the tree house (the one that had been in the backyard of Jesse's house until they destroyed Sunnydale) which is how he knows it's a dream. That and the fact that Jesse is sitting in front of him, smiling.

He's wearing his last clothes, but that's the only resemblances to First-Jesse.

' _Hey. I missed you.'_ Jesse looks at him _'I know. Maybe talking about it would have helped.' 'Maybe'._ Somewhere on his left he can see the bronze, he would think this was weird except for the fact that it's a dream and anything is possible. He watches as a younger Xander stakes a younger Jesse. _'I'm sorry Jesse.' 'It wasn't your fault. I never blamed you.' 'You didn't?'_ Jesse looks at him as if he's crazy, before sighing and sitting down beside him.

' _You really think I ever would?'_

* * *

' _You were my best friend Jesse.'_

' _No, I wasn't. I AM your best friend. Me being dead doesn't change anything about who or what we were before that. It doesn't change the fact that we would have stayed best friends for years after that. You couldn't have saved me if you had wanted to Xander. Maybe it was just my time to die.'_

' _It was my fault.'_

' _No it wasn't, and it never will be. You would have save me if you could, and in some way you actually did. I never blamed you.'_

' _you didn't.'_

' _Of course not. You were my friend, you were my brother.'_

' _Maybe someday we'll meet again.'_

' _Not maybe.'_

' _See you soon, I guess.'_

' _Yeah buddy, see you soon._ _But not to soon.'_

* * *

Xander opens his eyes and stares out the window.

For the first time in years he doesn't feel that guilty anymore. For the first time he feels calm.

For a second he swears he sees Jesse on the sight of the street, than he is gone.

Xander finally truly smiles.

 


End file.
